Relationships mirror our beauty and our deepest pain. This is a chance to heal and live life closer to the Divine.
How to deal with pain in a relationship? In this blog, I share my experience-based wisdom in six ways.
First of all: invest in knowing and loving yourself. In my experience, the fact that my love and I both have years and years of self-reflection behind us really forms a strong basis for us. When pain comes up in our interaction, we know that it has nothing to do with the other. Nothing. Yes, really nothing. And even if that is difficult to FEEL sometimes, it is a wonderful thing to know that it’s the case. That we have ourselves.
Second: the more easily you can be with your own pain, the better you can be with the other’s pain. Without feeling the need to make the other ‘feel better’ instantly. I say this, because I have come to see that, deep down, we only want the other to ‘feel better’ for our own sake. So that we won’t feel our own powerlessness. It is such a gift when my beloved just sits with me and is there, I truly feel I don’t have to change anything about myself and can just show myself in all my vulnerability if that is what comes up.
Third: listen. Just be there and listen. No solution-offering, no digging deeper, no topping the other’s story with your own stories. Listening truly is an art, which keeps on deepening in my experience.
Fourth: if you realize you are projecting onto the other, ask yourself if it is truthful, necessary and kind to say all that is inside of you out loud to the other. I experienced this last week – a force within me reeeeally wanted to judge my beloved harshly. Instead, I put my judgments on paper and went into self-inquiry. And afterwards, I was SO grateful that I hadn’t uttered all this to him. That was an act of love.
Fifth: keep breathing. Breath connects you to yourself, to your body. Notice how, if you feel tense of stressed, your breathing changes. Rushes, or stops. Ask yourself: what do I really need?
Sixth: communicate with each other and share how you feel. In our relationship, we are deeply honest with each other, there are no secrets. None. I have never experienced this in any relationship before. And I love it, it saves so much energy and makes things so easy. Say how you feel, not only in times of pain, but any time. Practice this and it will serve you. Honesty is a very strong power.